“everything is a bit fast moving”

I wrote this yesterday, and the title sums up the past few days really, I didn’t mean to leave it so long before posting.

I wrote a post yesterday about the funeral. But I usually sit on them for a few hours, sometimes a day, just to make sure they’re ok before I post. Today, I feel differently about it. Grieving is so weird. Plus, I don’t really know who I’m grieving for half the time. Grandad? Ella? Brandon? It’s a muddle in my head.

Yesterday I was buoyed up by how beautiful the funeral was. Today I feel flat. Little things are just a bit much. Judith said “well, I guess everything is a bit fast moving” which is right. I want to put time on hold for a little while. Not have to worry about things like deadlines for uni, or booking train tickets, or talking to too many people, or showering (gross, I know). Instead I want to go out for a ride on Max and gallop till the tears stream from my eyes. Or cycle till my legs shake when I get off. Or sit around in my pyjamas and bake. Or head out to Exmoor and trudge up to Dunkery beacon, where the wind blows so strongly you can’t hear a word.

Instead, I will focus on something else Judith said today. She told me a story about when we were younger, we camped in a valley where we had to carry all our stuff in. On the way back out the next day, Cora was struggling with her bag, crying and grumbling. Judith offered to carry it, and Cora said “NO, I want to do this by myself.” And then focused on one step at a time, all the way to the top. That is what I’m focusing on. One step at a time.

So as not to end on such a down note, here’s something fun that happened today. Me and Nigel drove across Bristol to look at a new car (hurrah! Heating in a car? Novel idea!) and as we were complaining about being stuck in city traffic, probably 200 motorcycles came driving past us, but all the drivers were dressed up as Father Christmas. White beards, red and white coats, tinsel on the bikes, lights, antlers, side-cars with baby father Christmases, fairies, it was awesome!

XxX